OK, I’m just gonna say a few things about wearing a bonnet or scarf in public ( preface: I love all my black aunties, and I mean no disrespect, BUT I think this is important for younger black women about to enter exhausting, professional, white spaces):
1) A lot of people feel like women should be pretty all the time. I, for one, am nobody’s ornament. I don’t go outside for people’s visual pleasure (all the time). Sometimes, I leave the house ONLY to complete a task which may be laundry around the corner or running to the bodega for a missing ingredient (two things Mo’nique never has to do).
2) Black women (people) do not have to EARN anyone’s respect. We are owed respect by virtue of being human beings, equal to other human beings. If you have decided that some people are unworthy of your respect because they look like this or speak like that….that’s a you problem, boo. We don’t have to fix OTHER people’s racism or OTHER people’s stereotyping. I know a lot of black people still telling other black people not to speak too loud or talk too country because “they’re watching”. If you have the energy to keep up appearances for white people, go ahead. I won’t stop you. But as for ME AND MY HOUSE, I will be living my life…carefree. For centuries, the white gaze (i.e. how white people perceive us ) has meant we spend more time trying to adapt ourselves to impossible standards than anyone else. We wore white on Sundays and we dressed our best because it was the only time we were allowed to assert our humanity and our dignity. But remember White america created new rules whenever we began to rise as a way to keep the system intact; There will always be a new qualifying rule. And it has happened so long that now we enforce the rules on ourselves. But there are too many other exhausting things to do and this won’t be one of them for me…respectfully.
3) A lot of women wear a bonnet because black women’s natural hair is only “socially acceptable” in a few styles which often involve strenuous and time-consuming routines of stretching, twisting, drying, and blowing. So actually, a lot of women and femmes are wearing bonnets hoping to preserve those styles and their invested time while trying to avoid ridicule from y’all. Because if they walk out in twists, some of y’all still gonna say something! So y’all got us messed up either way! People are too ready to disrespect Black women in ANY form. And I’m like, “You’re telling me I gotta get this hair ready for the conference on monday AND on the way there? Nooooooo. No way!”
4) If you’re not tapping Karens on the shoulder talking about fix your greasy, top bun, please please don’t come for me.
We keep having to say this but that old belief that if we could just act like them *enough* we would win their respect has proven very very untrue. So, please stop raising the bar on black women but for no one else. Some of us get tired of being “Queens”; of always being held to the highest standard; of always “going high”. If I had to list every damn thing I had to do — as a dark-skinned black woman with West African features — to fit into white spaces (and now black spaces), I wouldn’t make it to work in the morning. So black women: if there is ANYTHING you can do to lighten your load, do that. I give myself that permission and grace, and I hope you give yourself some too.
